Calamity Jane Susan

I was simply strolling through Albertsons, contemplating my options for dinner when my brain and my body became two separate entities, each one disastrously confused without the appropriate direction from its necessary counterpart.

I started out carrying a basket stocked full of Gatorades but during this moment of undesirable brain stem failure I briefly remember the basket detaching from my grasp and begin a catastrophic ascent into the air while I, on the other hand, was heading rapidly towards the ground in what was bound to be a painful face plant. Despite the basket’s initial flight, it eventually made it’s own descent, falling just short my head (now firmly planted on the grocery store floor) sending Gatorades rolling down the aisle and producing an enormous thud that brought innocent bystanders to gawk at what initially summoned thoughts of an earthquake but turned out to be a women lying stomach down, flat on the ground, arms and legs spread wide, and Gatorades trickling out their last remaining contents as they rolled all around me.

While I lay on the floor in utter disbelief I was desperately trying to piece together the last few moments and figure out just exactly what went wrong. Horribly embarrassed by the growing audience I began to laugh hysterically and peeled my face from floor, stifling my desire to wince from my battered body and my bruised ego had me momentarily contemplating feigning a mini-stroke as an excuse for this less than graceful descent.

An Albertson’s employee was no doubt by my side in a matter of seconds (this whole episode is most likely captured on their security cameras) covering all the bases should I choose to sue them from any lasting injuries – I’m not sure you can sue for damage to the ego but if you could I would most certainly have an air tight case.

I giggled my way throughout the remainder of my shopping trip, hanging my head low, sidestepping anyone who may have seen my spastic fall, and carefully avoiding the aisle where a mass Gatorade clean-up was still underway. With just enough food to get me through the evening I was eager to make my exit and leave all my embarrassment behind.

Almost forgetting about my mishap I loaded my groceries onto the conveyor when I overheard the cashier mention something about giving wholesale prices on cases of wine. As I approached the register to pay I inquired about their discount on wine. But before the cashier could answer I heard the voice of my Albertson’s ambassador, who so quickly came to my rescue, “I am not so sure you should ever consume alcohol. I am frightened to think about what damage you would do after witnessing your face plant in aisle 7. I think you should focus on some basic balancing maneuvers before you add wine to the mix!”

I think I will steer clear of Albertsons for a while.

I made a mental note to stick to shopping carts (there’s no way those wheels are going to leave the ground and a cart could quite possibly assist with my balance should my brain ever again decide to abandon my body).

I have to remember to ask my doctor about this malfunctioning brain stem that periodically sends me scrambling to regain my balance (and I am talking about flailing arms and floundering feet) where I inevitably end up precariously positioned in a face plant, sprawled out flat on the floor.