Reserving a Good Lecture

I have the most wonderful teenager who is incredibly sweet natured and rides through life rolling with the waves without much resistance. The teenager temperament flares up occasionally but I can hardly complain… I can usually give him a questioning (aka threatening) look of “Do you really want to go there?” which will stop him dead in his tracks.

The remainder of the teenage annoyances are simplistic…

The lackadaisical attitude, the glimpses of real anger when I have unfairly judged or blamed him, the intolerance he demonstrates toward his witty sister (calling her a baby and putting his foot down which is occasionally required when dealing with Hope), or the willingness to trade his family time so easily for a last minute invitation to a friend's house…

Riley is so laid back and generally very well behaved. His demands are simple, his frustrations are usually justified and he has really never given us anything to be truly concerned about (yet!). I should be (and am) continually thankful for this, especially given the complicated world Riley has to grow up in.

But teenagers are complex and I often find myself in the position of questioning how to react to even the most minor teenage annoyances. Each instance offers me a choice… I can either lay into him with a serious lecture - a moralistic conversation that usually just results in a lot of confusion and a questionable moral of the story, or I can make a simple decision to let the moment play out without my influence. The last option being the most difficult but always plays out with the most satisfaction. I think that every moment has something to teach us and I find it increasingly difficult for me not to reiterate this over and over to a teenager who is certainly old enough to learn life’s lessons through the use of a good lecture but who has so successfully managed to convince himself that my speeches have nothing to do with real life and have everything to do with that boring role that each parent ultimately finds themselves swallowed up in. The role of teaching right and wrong.

But what is right and wrong when you are a teenager? It’s not black and white. It always comes back to their choices… A choice that may not necessarily be “wrong” but a choice that has potential long term consequences. A choice that often brings me to my boiling point but ultimately a choice that I must respect as it not in my power to change. Most of the choices that teenagers are faced with are Riley’s to make and our children are their own people. Children do make their own choices – we provide them with the foundation, the support, the unconditional love and still, they will make choices that occasionally go against what our long lived life experiences tell us are dangerous or have lasting consequences. Life lesions that wish we could expel upon our children with words so they do not have to be heartbroken or disappointed by the difficult experiences themselves. But these are experiences that do words little justice. These are simple lessons that can only be learned through experience. The experience of heartaches, the result of skipping homework, the wrath of not checking in at the appointed hour…the consequences of each little choice…

But I am a parent and I find it very difficult not to jump in and demand behavior from him the “meets my expectations”. It’s a constant battle…but in the end it is the love and patience Riley shows his brother and sister that reminds me to stay out of their arguments; it’s the fact that Riley (a very private teenager) still tells me he loves me and gives me hugs that shows me where his heart really is – despite the moodiness; the times when Riley opens up to me that remind me what it’s like to be a teenager and I don’t have all the answers… all these are reminders to allow Riley to make the simpler decisions on his own and reap the benefits and suffer the consequences so he can learn what I cannot express in words.

Oh don’t get me wrong – there are plenty of lectures in my house but I tend to reserve those for the simple things, like dishes or homework. But when it comes to most other things I try (and I mean TRY – I can conjure up the best of lectures in my head for each and every episode) to leave the lectures these days in my head and try to allow Riley to make choices on his own -instead reserving the conversation for the results where Riley owns the decision and can come to his own conclusions with some subtle reminders or guidance from me.

I know Riley won’t always make the right choices. And there will be many more times where I simply have to step in. But I also have to occasionally step back and let him make his own choices – in hopes that when the choices become more difficult he is well prepared to understand the consequences. All with the ultimate hope that my Riley will eventually learn from his experiences and remember that he owns his choices and happiness is a choice and his alone to make.

It‘s all par for the course when raising a teenager but nobody said it would be easy. And should I feel the need to give one of my know-it-all lectures I still have two very young children that “require” lots of guidance when it comes to right and wrong so for now I must remember to save my grand lectures for the unsuspecting young offenders.